Old Habits

As the year has stretched on (and as usual I am stunned by how fast it goes by) I have become keenly aware of the importance and the ritual of habits, my own and those of others that I have observed. It is clear to me that habits and routines are the mechanisms that make our lives speed up or slow down. They can cause us great pain or great pleasure. They can also bring freedom or punishing imprisonment. Because habits often sneak up on you, and are very hard to consciously create, I am often unaware of the habits that I have. I think that periodic personal reflection is a critical component of establishing good habits. Without personal reflection, habits can take the best parts of our lives and reduce them to soldering and malignant tedium.

So here are a couple of habits that I have lost:

I used to have a habit of playing video games. This was not the best part of my life, but it was important for my sense of self worth because I valued who I was when I was playing them. I would never play games alone, and this is important too, because it illustrates that the value in playing them was not in the games themselves, nor in my discovery of values and personal quirks that often happens when consuming media in isolation, but instead lays primarily in the social value of the games. I have always been described by others as an extrovert, but I have also always harbored serious doubts about this in my own heart, because I get socially anxious and often enjoy nothing more than silence and reclusivity (this is not a word, but should be, so in protest to the English language I am keeping it). Playing video games allowed me to indulge not just the part of me that wanted a external validation of my own personality and characteristics (he's a good teammate, he's a solid player), but also satisfied my urge to participate in a collective experience. Playing video games with my friends was stimulating and relaxing, and I have fallen out of this habit in the last two years. I have tried to rationalize it, at certain times, using a variety of explanations and excuses, but it's of no use. I will try to get back into this habit now and in a sustainable way in the future.

Another habit I have lost is the habit of writing. I used to create expansive stories and fictionalized universes, or at least short recounts of personal situations I had found myself in. Writing helped me to think about what I had done or seen or heard and also to think about the way that I reacted to the world. Again, this related to personal reflection. I have largely stopped writing, and I need to develop this habit again. Furthermore, I need to refine and closely examine my writing so that it reflects a consistent tone, approach, and style, and so that my impetus for writing is found in a variety of circumstances and experiences. I don't want to write simply because I was inspired by some monumental but irregular emotional happening in my own life. I want to write well and often about everything and anything, and I want to inspire people with my writing, as I have been so heavily inspired by others.

Lastly, a more recent habit that I would like to carefully consider and methodically eliminate from my life: the habit of appearing to be apathetic about things that I care about, and the habit of feigning emotional investment in things I really care little for. For example, I care very little about my job, or at least about the aspects of my job that everyone else seems to find the most intriguing. I care quite a lot about the implications of our society for the very poor and the very weak, but I have struggled to express this in an effective way. I need to critically analyze my priorities and redouble my efforts every week so that I can proudly and honestly say that my energies are going to the right causes.

This post is more for myself than for other people, but then again that has been the trend of my blog since I was a junior in high school. I'm sure it will continue for some time. Thanks for reading!

Here's a photograph I took this summer, of a very beautiful entrance way:

Air brakes

Have you ever noticed that the air brakes on a bus sound like someone drawing frantic breaths while crying?

I brought one of my Chemistry classes on a field trip to the American Museum of Natural History in New York. It was a simple and quick trip. On the train back home, I fell asleep. At one point I was awoken by the movement of the train. Across from me I saw that two of my students had also fallen asleep. Two girls, best friends. They had fallen asleep against each other, the shorter girl resting her head on her friend's shoulder.

I bought a Jeep to assuage my family's concerns about my riding a motorcycle in the winter and also to satisfy my dream of owning a Jeep. My father owns a Jeep. His is beige and mine is red and in slightly worse shape. The mornings are dark now, but I still ride my bicycle. When it is very cold I will drive my newly acquired car. I have figured out how to tune the radio to NPR, and when I turn on the heat, the belt squeaks under the hood and I am reminded of countless dark mornings, driving a cold car and listening to NPR. I feel like I have lived an entire life since then.

There is a new Biology teacher at my school this year, replacing a woman who left to find a better job closer to her new house. She exuded a confidence and stability in the way only an overweight woman can. Her replacement is a young looking man who is very thin and slightly shorter than me. He seems always on the verge of forgetting something, and reacts to small things that I say with what seems to be a genuine and deep surprise. He is twenty nine years old and I am twenty three years old and I try not to sound patronizing when I ask him how he is doing. I think he is overwhelmed with the job.

I have read more books since my last post. I am keeping a list on my computer at home, and I will share it on this blog as soon as I remember to.

Here's a blurry photograph I took at a recent wedding I attended. Believe me when I say that I appreciated the humor in attending a Connecticut wedding held at a Yacht club.